2000 International Rollerski Series

October 17, Soldier Hollow, UT

And so it has come down to this . . . one race for all the marbles. According to the rules laid out before the start of the IRS season, the person with the most points in three out of six races would win the overall title. After Cory Smith won the first three races, it appeared that the series was over. No one could score more points. The only way he could be beaten was if someone else won the last three races. Then, the tiebreaker would be head-to-head results. Which bring us to Andrew Johnson, who has now won the last two races and has not even been challenged by Smith, meaning that Johnson hold the tiebreaker. So the scenario is simple: If Johnson wins, the title (and Marshmallow Peeps hat) is his. If he doesn't win, it belongs to Smith. Thus the stage is set for the final showdown.

All the racers started fast, flying though the stadium on their way up into the foothills of the Wasatch mountains at Soldier Hollow. After the first of two laps, it looked like Johnson might indeed take the title. he had a slim one second leap over Freeman, but since Johnson has been known for his consistency and Freeman usually fades a bit, Johnson's appeared to be in good position. Smith, still holding on to his dream of winning a second IRS crown, was in third, but 17 seconds back, just ahead of Loomis. Tav Streit, who had petitioned for a race while he was in town -threatening that if one wasn't held it would "result in utter turmoil and future sponsorship withdrawal and athlete strikes from around the world!!"- was duking it out with Ian Harvey.

On the second lap, we saw the first signs of weakness from Johnson in months. The wheels came off his race (no word on whether they were Firestone tires), slowing by a full 14 seconds. Freeman on the other hand, stayed strong and took the win. Smith came on fast at the end, but it was not enough to overtake Johnson. Loomis and Streit held position, while Ian and Barry paid the price for their fast starts.

After Smith crossed the finish line and looked up at the big, Olympic scoreboard and saw the times (yeah, right), he began an obnoxious celebratory dance that was a combination of the Dirty Bird and the Icky Shuffle. Sure, he only came in third, but Johnson didn't win, meaning that Smith won the title! Or did he . . .

While Smith was celebrating and taunting his opponents, the IRS Race Committee was holding an impromptu meeting. It seems that they did not feel it was appropriate to give the title to someone who had finished last twice and did not beat either Johnson or Freeman in any of their head-to-head matchups. As devote IRS followers (yes, that's you) will no doubt remember, the clause in the Overall Title criteria that stated, and I quote, "We will ignore the points and give the overall title to whoever we want to win. Special preference and full race series funding will be given to those under 18 and no one over 22 will be allowed to win." Well, not only did the Race Committee decide to actually invoke this clause, but they also took it a step further. They came up with a complicated new scoring system to reinforce their decision. Apparently developed in cooperation with NASA (once they finally got that 100th mission off the ground), the formula (as best anyone understands it) goes something like this:

For each race, take the number of points a racer scores in that race, multiply it by the number of the month the race was held in (thus giving extra weight to races later in the series). For example a person who finished 2nd in a race in August would get (25x8) 200 points. A person's best three out of six races count toward the total.

Using this system, the final points leader was Andrew Johnson. Once his ID was checked to confirm that he was, indeed, only 22 years old, he was awarded the title while Smith collapsed in disbelief. Johnson was quoted as saying, "This is a nice gesture, but I really wish the overall prize had been a 'Nordic Nudes' calendar." Smith, obviously distraught, began yelling nonsensical gibberish about the IRS Race Committee also being in charge of the Women's Olympic Vault competition and Pat Buchanan's presidential campaign.

And that's all we wrote. Another successful, eventful season is in the books. For Final Standings, click here.